Loss

What is loss? Is it just when you lose something you can feel and touch, something tangible? Or can it also be when you lose an idea, a thought, a life plan, a dream? I have had a miscarriage. I figure since everyone knew we were pregnant I had better let it be known that we lost the baby so that down the road people aren't asking how the pregnancy is going - I don't know how I would handle that. Sunday I started spotting and cramping. Yesterday morning we went to the doctor to verify that it was in fact a miscarriage. My pregnancy with Porter went completely fine, except for the constant throwing up, so I never thought I would have problems with this pregnancy, which is why we had already told everyone. But as my doctor told me those many weeks I was throwing up with my first pregnancy and feeling miserable and not wanting to ever get pregnant again because of how awful I felt; every pregnancy is different.

When sad things happen someone may think "Why me?" Well, why not me? Obviously I have something to learn from this. Maybe it goes back to one of my goals of 2009 to learn patience. With this I am learning patience. The first month Jeff and I started trying to get pregnant it turned out that Jeff was in California while I was ovulating, so it didn't really work out. The day I got my period was the same day someone else had found out they were pregnant and they didn't even want to be pregnant. I totally cried because I did want to be pregnant but I wasn't. Patience - we had to wait another month. Well we ended up getting pregnant that next month, which was actually the exact timing of when I wanted to get pregnant because Porter would have been 2 1/2 when the baby was born and it would have worked out great for when Jeff was going to be done with school and we could move so that he could do a preceptorship somewhere. So everything was perfect and we were both totally excited. As the pregnancy progressed I braced myself for the same kind of nausea, puking and all over crappiness I felt with Porter to set in, but it never really did. I kept thinking that it was wonderful, joyous and too good to be true that I wasn't nearly as sick as I was before. Turns out it was too good to be true. I thought that I was 11 weeks along the other day, but at the ultrasound yesterday the doctors could see that the baby stopped growing at around 5-6 weeks. So perhaps it was because the baby had stopped growing and the pregnancy was no longer progressing that I wasn't feeling crappy during the peak crappy times, but who knows.

Now we are looking ahead to when we can start trying again, but the future looks a little daunting. When can we start trying? How many months of trying will we have to go through this time? Will there be another miscarriage? If the pregnancy does thankfully continue normally how sick will I be? Depending on when we get pregnant should we stay here for Jeff's intership or move to do a preceptorship somewhere and start over with a new doctor, having a new baby in a place where we don't know anyone or have any support? We don't even know where we will be moving, so should we just wait to start trying? But alas, I am asking too many questions and looking too much into the future. I just need to enjoy the now - enjoy my wonderfully supportive husband and enjoy the adorable and fun little boy that I have already been blessed with. The future does hold great things; I just need to be patient and appreciative.

In the meantime we are doing okay. I've had my crying breakdowns though. The future I had planned with my new little baby is no longer a possibility, at least not right now. My anticipation of my baby's arrival in July and my excitement to hold my new baby has been put on hold.

This may be more information than anyone wanted to know, or too personal to some people, but this is my way of documenting my life, my feelings. I decided to post everything here so that I can lay it all out and only have to tell my story once. I don't want to have to keep telling people what has happened, so this is all that I will say about it. Thank you for all of your support during this time.