Seriously?

I try to be a happy and positive person, thus I try to keep my posts happy and positive too. But not today. So if you are looking for a happy go lucky, the world is all flowers and rainbows kind of post then stop reading. I'm about to vent.

I had underestimated what really happens when you pass a miscarriage naturally and don't have a DNC. When I wrote my previous post I hadn't actually passed the miscarriage (or however you refer to the process), I was just still spotting. My midwife had said that a DNC was an option, but my body had already started passing it on it's own and it seemed to be handling it fine. And I am definitely not the type of person to do anything invasive if I have an option (I'm kind of a wuss) so I wasn't about to ask for one. Most people I know who have had a miscarriage have had a DNC, so I didn't have any experiences to go off of as to how bad it would be without a DNC. So I just thought it would be like having a bad period...I wasn't told otherwise. Boy was I in for a big surprise. (As a side note, in the future I am opting for a DNC because it is done and over with in like a half hour, and you're out while they do it.)

A couple days ago some friends wanted to go out to dinner with us so we said sure. That afternoon when I got Porter up from his nap he was boiling hot, very fussy, and turned out to have a temperature. So we cancelled dinner with our friends. It turns out it was a good thing because that was when it all started, and it would have absolutely sucked if I was out in public or at someone elses house. As I was waiting for Jeff to come home with dinner (I had already planned on not making dinner so when plans changed and we weren't going to go out I wasn't about to whip something up...call me lazy) I was walking around when all of sudden I felt a huge gush and my jeans were soaked through with blood (probably too much information...but it's only going to get worse so stop if you need to). Holy crap, what was going on! Just as I got to the bathroom Jeff came home and I called him in. But the gushing wasn't over...it kept going and I was stuck on the toilet for over an hour, yes over an hour!! And it wasn't just blood coming out, there were a LOT of big chunks too (I told you it was going to get worse). And this didn't just involve mild cramping - I was basically having contractions! When my midwife freakin finally got back to me she said my body was trying to push everything that was in my uterus out. She said that I didn't need to go to the hospital until I was filling one pad every hour for six hours...but right now during the main gush didn't count. So here I was, covered in blood, sitting on the toilet (which is not a fun place to be for a lengthy amount of time) having gigantic, sharp cramps, crying, with my wonderfully supportive husband sitting on the floor next to me feeding me my dinner (what can I say, it was dinner time and I was still hungry) and my poor little boy was upset while he was watching his mom go through all of this.

When it FINALLY settled down I just sat on a pile of towels on our couch so that I could finish eating and rest. I'm gonna keep this short - went to sleep late, woke up in middle of night because of more gushing, was out of it from loss of liquid and blood, Jeff knew what to do and saved the day by giving me lots of powerade (my body needed the electrolytes), tylenol and vitamins, then iron fortified cereal. He also gave me a blessing (I am soooo thankful that Jeff is able to give me Priesthood blessings) and during it he felt no impression that we needed to go to the hospital, even though family kept saying we should - I hate hospitals and I wouldn't have been as comfortable there. We got a few more hours of sleep then had to start our day. My boss was very understanding and I didn't need to open my office yesterday, or today, which was a good thing because I still had some smaller gushes yesterday. And during all of that fun that previous night I was worried about Porter's temperature so I kept having Jeff go in and check on him. And we were also in battle mode against our stupid mice - I'll talk more about that later.

So that next day I was sore and tired. Not only did I have the mental and emotional trauma of losing a baby, but now I was physically traumatized too. Why the heck does it have to suck on so many levels. Now I seriously don't even want to think about getting pregnant for awhile, and Jeff totally understands. So great, now my kids are going to be way further apart in age then I wanted, but I'm just not ready to go through all of that again. Being pregnant alone is not fun - some people enjoy pregnancy, but I don't. So the thought alone of getting pregnant scares me. Now that I also know first hand the horrors of having a miscarriage I am scared for that too. So you probably won't see me pregnant again anytime in the near future.

Now on to the mice. As you saw in previous posts we have been having a mice issue. Happy has caught two of them, thank goodness. Happy normally sleeps in her crate at night, but that same awful night that I was talking about previously we had Happy cornered off in the kitchen and laundry room so that she could possibly catch any other mice. All night she was making noise in the kitchen which wasn't helping with our need for sleep, and she didn't even catch a mouse. She kept trying though. But it turned out that one of our MANY mouse traps (we had three different kinds we were using, a few of each, and none have previously worked) had FINALLY caught a mouse. So now there's three down, and we don't know how many to go. Happy wasn't acting all crazy like normal yesterday evening so I'm hoping that maybe we either got them all or scared the rest off. We'll see. Oh, and by the way, when this all started I had called a pest company and they had told me that we would just need to set up traps ourselves to get the mice...very helpful, weren't they.

Jeff just started a new quarter this week, but they are also having to make up finals that were canceled last quarter due to stupid snow and stupid Portland not being prepared to handle stupid snow. He also has a big test tonight, that was also canceled last quarter, that the school gives that tests to see how much of what you have learned up to this point you remember. So he has been stressing and studying for that as well. But because of what has happened this week he has had to help me out and take care of me, thus he has missed some classes and not been able to study as much as he should. And Jeff has been great this week. Even with his own stresses of school and studying he has happily taken care of me, taken care of Porter, cleaned up the house and made meals. I couldn't have done it without him. Now I just hope that he is able to do well on his tests.

So I've been having trouble, Porter's been fussy, Jeff's been stressing about school, mice have infiltrated our home...you would think this would be enough, right? Well, this morning all of our toilets and drains backed up in our house. And Jeff was at school. So I called a plumber and they weren't going to have anyone come until this evening, but that was NOT going to do. So they were able to get someone out here later this morning. Now our pipes are thankfully all clear. But the bathroom where he was working is a mess - after he left I just closed the door and haven't looked at it. I will deal with that later.

This leads me to now. It hasn't been the best week. I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I'm tired of having to be somewhere at a certain time or having to get things done by a certain time. All I want to do is focus on and play with Porter ABSOLUTELY UNINTERRUPTED (with work I am always being interrupted), sleep, and read wonderfully enjoyable books. That's it. I don't want to work, deal with insurance or other crap, do the laundry, clean the house, cook then clean up, or have any responsibilities outside my family. I hate to say it, but right now that even includes my callings. I don't want to think about them right now or have to plan for Sunday. I don't want to deal with having to put on a fake happy face for anyone either. And while I am ranting I am also sick of Portland weather, although today it's actually not raining. There you have it, a big ol long post, without any pictures, where I am only complaining. But hey, it's worse to just hold things in, right?