I keep blaming it on the fact that I have to work. I actually resent the fact that I have to work. I feel that it totally takes away from my time with Porter and from my efforts to do all of these awesomely domestic wife/mom things. It doesn't help that I have a new Property Manager who requires a ton more than my last one and has basically doubled my workload. Or that all of a sudden there are a few drug issues on the property (I live in the ghetto, remember) that I just don't want to have to deal with. It also doesn't help that I have two callings that require me to do preparations each week in anticipation for Sunday. But I think I am just using all of those for excuses for what is really wrong. I'm wondering if my hormone levels just haven't yet normalized since the miscarriage or something, so I am just acting out. I don't know. All I know is that I am with Porter 24/7 so he unfortunately gets the brunt of all my frustrations. Poor little guy. He deserves better than that. While I am having my frustrations Jeff is busy with school and trying to figure out exactly which technique he wants to do when he is in practice and which doctor he wants to work with to totally learn that technique, so he is busy meeting with docs, going to school meetings, and setting up times to go to conferences in other states.Yesterday Jeff and I were talking about how I am just not happy here so maybe I should find another job where I work at nights or on Saturdays when Jeff can be with Porter. Then I could actually separate my work life from my home life, which I am totally not able to do now. Then at least while I am away at work I know that Porter would be getting the love and attention that he needs from Jeff, and then when I am home I would be able to also give him the love and attention that he needs. But with me leaving my current job I would also have to find a new place to live, which sucks because I LOVE the house I live in and I HATE moving. Plus having a job outside the house would take time away from my family, but at least when I would be with my family I would actually get to fully be with my family, not dealing with work at the same time. So I just don't know. I feel all over the place and I can't really pinpoint what the problem is...that's why I am kinda blaming hormones (that's what men do when a woman is moody anyway, right?). When I think about what truly makes me happy it is doing domestic mommy/wife/house things - things that are directly for me and my family, not work stuff. All I truly want to be is a wife and mom, not an employee, but that just isn't feasible until the end of this year. And I would love to get pregnant again, but if I am stressed out with everything else right now then getting pregnant wouldn't help. So I just need to suck it up, get my mind/hormones in check, control my frustrations, and try to be the best mom/wife/employee I can be while also fully fulfilling my callings. Until I get that all worked out please bear with me.
12 comments:
I totally hear ya. I love that i can work from home, and stay home with Owen, but I don't like that my work is always at home. I can't wait for Tom to be done with school, and can start working. Oh wont that be nice!
I am so sorry that you are stuggling. But you are a strong women and I know you will make through this hard time.
Gosh, that sounds exactly like a conversation I had with Jefferson about a month ago. I had a major melt down. I rally think a lot of it is the work thing. When I work from home, I am not the best mom I can be. The job is always looming over my head, my kids can't get their shoes on fast enough so we can go show an apartment so I get upset, I get mad when people call and it takes away from playing with my kids so I'm not as cheery as I always should be on the phone.... It's hard to give 100% to your job while giving 100% to your family. Please feel free to call or come over and we can compare property managers and vent together. I would love that!
You've been through a lot these last couple of months. It's probably your sub-conscious just trying to process everything going on. I can totally understand what you're going through. I'm going through a similar thing myself. Just take one day at a time and focus on the positive things. It will get better.
ugh. i received that same award today!! hope you figure things out!! thinking of you. katie t.
I'm surprised you offered to help considering the struggles you're going through. I totally understand what you're going through. I was/am the same way with Amelia. I blamed it on hormones too except I think the hormones should be in check by now... Maybe it's her age as well. Anyway, one day I hope to be able to just be a mom as well. Right now I feel like I'm less than mediocre at all of the things I do because I've spread myself way to thin. I'll let you know when I have come up with a solution!!
Your post resonated quite a bit with me, minus the mommy part. I feel like I can't give 100% at home because of work, and I can't give 100% at work because of home. According to day time TV, women really can have it all right? The high powered job and family? So why is it so hard?
I'm saying this mostly to convince myself of it, but this is a temporary arrangement. You can do anything for a short period of time. Just a few more months and your situation will change. You can do it! I believe in you.
That's my confident daughter, confident enough to be completely transparent! To the entire world! You amaze me, Sweetheart.
And the comments amuse me, too. You struck a nerve.
And, of course, I have no idea what you're talking about. However, I do remember one time being saddened by the realization that two-year-olds almost universally have to deal with the worst possible parents -- that demographic subset of parents who have two-year-olds. What an unfortunate combination. I pitied all of you as you and all your siblings in turn were subjected to such parents.
But maybe I should modify that to "second worst." Two-year-olds deal with the second worst subset of parents. The worst subset are those who have teenagers....
I'm sorry that things seem really crazy right now. But I know that you are a great Mom! Keep your head up and things will get better.
I feel like that some days for sure, but just know that it won't last forever! This is just a temporary situation and there is light at the end of the tunnel. You don't want to get an outside job at nights, trust me! It sounds better but it would be harder. Working from home is great, BUT it is still WORK! Some people don't understand that. You guys don't have much longer, if you need to talk call me! I think I'm in labor though so I might be a little short of breaths! lol
You can do it! I'm sorry you are feeling so crappy. I would blame it on the hormones, it's easier. But I totally understand. Being a mommy is the hardest EVER! I can't imagine working too. You are awesome! I hope you feel better soon!
If you want to view the life of someone who can do it all--- don't visit me. I'm a total wreck most of the time. I just try not to think about it. I also just lie down on the floor and let Lenore crawl all over me when I get home from work. I get to decompress and she gets a new toy.
Post a Comment